6 Reasons Your Relationships Feel So Draining (and What Might Help)
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If you’re reading this, let me start by validating that navigating relationships can be incredibly hard. Especially if you often feel drained, responsible for everyone else, or unsure how to ask for what you need.
Everyone struggles with some aspects of keeping up with relationships at least some of the time. But if you’re here I am guessing things have come to a head and feel overwhelming or stuck. This dynamic is very common in people-pleasing patterns and can make relationships feel exhausting.
If that’s you, take a breath and be kind to yourself. While things may feel entrenched and unmovable right now, they don’t have to stay that way.
If you’re looking for help navigating tricky relationship dynamics, explore the common pitfalls below. If you’re wondering what it would feel like to have more support, I find it so rewarding to help clients improve their relationships.
You can learn more about my approach here.
1. Asking for What You Need is a Struggle
There are so many reasons this can be true.
Common beliefs that keep us from asking for what we need are:
The other person should already know what I need.
They’re too busy to help. I don’t want to be a burden.
If I ask, they’ll just say no. Why bother?
Clients often tell me that if they have to ask for what they need, it somehow makes it mean less when they receive it.
While I agree that it would be nice if other people just understood and did the things we need without asking, that’s not usually how it goes. This belief keeps the dynamic stuck in a cycle of resentment and wishful thinking.
If you are able to go out on a limb and ask for what you need, check in and see: does it really feel unmeaningful when they do it? Then, and this is important: Is that worse than things staying the same?
Consider this: By not asking for what you know you need, the cycle is perpetuated. It erodes trust for both parties in the relationship, whether it’s a friendship, family member, or partner. If you’ve already asked for what you need and it’s not happening, your loved one may need a gentle reminder. If it’s a continuous problem, you might have to address it head on.
This could sound like: “Hey I know a few weeks ago we talked about how I feel overstimulated when you call someone on speaker phone in the same room when I’m reading, but it’s happened a few times since then. Can you use your headphones or go in the other room next time? Or is there another solution that might work better?”
2. “no” Feels like a bad word
You’re likely the giver, the supporter, the one who’s always there. Maybe saying “no” led to conflict in your early years. Somewhere along the way, your brain may have picked up the idea that saying “no” is bad and leads to negative outcomes for relationships.
But authenticity is the foundation of any healthy interpersonal relationship. When you say “yes” but feel burdened, resentful, or frustrated, it might mean you actually want to say “no.” Easier said than done!
Consider this: Not saying “no” leads to burnout. You can’t do it all. Relationships suffer and resentment builds when an honest “no” is obscured or pushed down.
A pattern I’ve noticed is that people who struggle to say “no” sometimes implicitly wish others would also always say “yes.” This is a recipe for conflict. You may feel like declining an invitation or request will let others down. But you’re not responsible for keeping everyone happy.
It’s possible to say “no” while still expressing kindness. When you really do wish you could help, you can share that alongside your “no.”
This could sound like: “I really wish I could meet up — I miss you! Let’s schedule something next week when things slow down at work for me. I want to make sure I have all the bandwidth when we hang out!” or “I’m so bummed I can’t make it out, things are overwhelming right now. I have a free hour later though and would love to have a phone catch up instead. Will you be around then?”
FINDING THIS HELPFUL?
If this post resonates, you may be dealing with self-abandonment in your relationships. I specialize in working with people who struggle with people-pleasing, boundaries, and self-trust.
3. You feel collapsed or hopeless
Oh, reader. This is big.
Everything feels overwhelming and you feel frozen or stuck. It’s hard to access joy and other pleasant emotions. You feel something akin to hopelessness. If this is you, I highly recommend seeking out a qualified therapist who can help you move through that murky, stuck feeling.
When simply existing is this heavy, it’s no wonder relationships feel exhausting. It’s possible some of your close relationships have been toxic, unhealthy, or even abusive.
This can send the body into a trauma response we sometimes call “collapse” or “freeze.” What’s important to know is: it’s a natural state, your nervous system is just trying to keep you safe, and it can change.
Consider this: Asserting yourself right now probably feels like way too much. You might have even tried expressing your needs in the past, but it was so poorly received that trying again feels hopeless.
If the idea of setting boundaries or saying no feels insurmountable, it may be time to talk to a professional with expertise in attachment trauma. I say that kindly—there is nothing wrong with you. You deserve the support you need to feel like you again.
If there are easier, steadier, safer relationships in your life, this is also a great time to lean on them.
This could sound like: “I’m really struggling right now and need an ear. Do you have some time?” or “I need to coordinate family dinner tonight, but honestly I’m drowning. If I place an order online, could you please pick it up?” or “I think I need to talk to a therapist. Do you know someone?”
4. You’re overdoing it everywhere else
You’re spread too thin, and you feel it. You might feel stuck in irritation or annoyance, even toward parts of life that used to bring you joy, like loved ones. Life is asking too much in all areas, and your relationships are taking the hit. Now when someone reaches out, it feels like an ask instead of a chance for connection.
Consider this: Sometimes life gets busier without us realizing it. Before we know it, a major priority like marriage or friendship suffers because of the demands of work, illness, or caregiving.
For others, relationships feel scary or like too much, leading you to lean into the aspects of life that feel safer. You might think “I know I can shine at work. The expectations are clear and I know how to succeed,” whereas navigating relationships creates more uncertainty.
To be able to enjoy your relationships again, you might have to set some boundaries in those areas of life that have become too much.
This could sound like: “I’m taking a vacation next month!” (we can dream!), or saying to a colleague or supervisor, “I know this project is so important and time sensitive, but I have X, Y, and Z on my plate and can only get one finished well today. Which would you like me to prioritize and what can wait?” or getting someone to watch the kids, even just to go in your bedroom and talk to your partner for an hour.
5. Emotions Feel Too Big in Tough Conversations
You feel like you know what you need, and you know how to ask for it, but when friction arises, you get overwhelmed.
This can come from not having a lot of healthy role models for conflict growing up. But it doesn’t have to stay this way, and you can gain confidence and skills communicating when things get tough. Some good resources are listed here, and therapy can be a great tool for this as well when you’re ready.
Consider this: Usually when someone has a pattern of things heating up quickly in hard conversations, they fall into two categories: They a) avoid bringing anything up until it explodes; b) rip off the bandaid and feel overwhelmed by the consequences.
This is not a critique, rather an opportunity to reroute a stuck behavior so relationships feel smoother.
There are so many factors that make us vulnerable to emotional reactivity. These include our childhood experiences and past relationships, but also here-and-now factors. If you’re hungry, overworked, tired, frustrated, or burned out going into the conversation, you’re more prone to escalation.
It can help to wait until it’s the right time to have the conversation (when possible). Plan a time when your basic needs are met, you’re comfortable, and hopefully in a space that feels safe.
The goal is to work toward hanging in the conversation even when it’s tough, but sometimes things go off the rails no matter how prepared we are. Know the signs for when you’re running out of patience, and have a script prepared to pause the conversation. Try to pause before things feel too big — intervene when you’re a 4 out of 10 versus a 7 out of 10.
This could sound like: “Thanks for talking with me about this. I’m realizing I need to gather my thoughts. Can we pick this up tonight after the kids go to bed?” or super directly, “I’m feeling overwhelmed and need some space to recover. I’m going to be in the other room for a bit. Can I let you know when I’m ready to talk more? Thanks for your patience.”
6. You Feel Unworthy
Dear reader, I get it. This feeling can run so deep. Whether it’s a subtle feeling of “I can't ask for that” or the chronic pangs of shame, feeling unworthy can suck the air right out of you. It’s hard to advocate for your needs if you don’t feel deserving of having them met.
I know reading a blog isn’t going to shift something that may have been here for a very long time, but I want to say that we are all worthy of having needs, and we all need other people to help meet them sometimes.
This is one of the first things we learn as babies: our primary survival goal is getting our needs met. If our younger selves’ pleas and cries weren’t met with an attuned response, or sometimes we received no response at all, it instills a sense of unworthiness.
Consider this: As I often say in sessions, just because it feels true doesn’t mean it is true. I 100% respect your feeling… and 100% believe you’re allowed to have needs, even when you feel like you aren’t.
This idea can be hard to receive. It’s jarring to be accepted when your nervous system is organized around expecting rejection. If this section resonates, I’ll again put it out there that therapy can help you move through the shame. You don’t have to experience these hard feelings alone.
In this case, you may be in dialogue with yourself before anyone else.
This might sound like: “Having needs doesn’t mean I’m ‘needy’.” or “I want relationships with people who are able to hear and understand me.” or “I deserve to ask for what I need, no matter what I may have been told in the past.”
If you’re running into any of these common difficulties, you are not alone! I couldn’t write a blog about it if you were the only one experiencing it.
These are struggles I help clients work through again and again in therapy.
If you’d like to work together, reach out and let me know. If you have other resources on this topic, share them in the comments so others can benefit from our collective knowledge!
