When Kindness Turns Into People Pleasing: how to stop abandoning yourself
Image via Flaticon
Driving down the feeder the other day, an interaction with another car stuck with me. More accurately it was an interaction between me and myself, but I didn’t know that at the time. Since then I’ve been considering how we read and react to others’ signals, often at great cost to ourselves. Even when we react with the intention of kindness—especially when we’re trying to mind-read—we often miss the mark.
This kind of over-interpretation is common in people-pleasing patterns, where kindness slowly turns into self-abandonment without us realizing it.
You Might struggle with
People Pleasing if you:
feel responsible for other people’s moods
worry about being seen as selfish or difficult
often over-accommodate without being asked
feel resentful after “being nice”
Mixed Signals
I was driving behind a large semi truck on the feeder, and we both entered the freeway ramp at the same time. I quickly merged onto the freeway when I saw an opening because Houston freeways can be notoriously impenetrable if you miss your chance. I didn’t want to race around this big truck, both out of caution and because it felt like a dick move. The truck was still on the entry ramp (which was quickly becoming an exit ramp) but had its blinker on to merge left. So I waited… and waited… and waaaaited. On my right, the truck chugged along at a painfully slow pace. On my left, cars were rushing around me. I considered speeding up and not letting him in because I couldn’t get over to the left, but felt stuck.
“Maybe they think they don’t have enough room to merge?” I wondered in confusion. The truck continued along the ramp with their left blinker pulsing. I was running late to a lunch meeting and really wanted to get a move on, but felt inexplicably committed to my earlier choice to protect the semi’s entry onto the freeway. Finally, I decided to untie our fates and sped up, passing the semi. In my rearview mirror 20 seconds later, I saw him exiting the freeway, never having gotten on, left blinker still signaling.
Who’s responsible for what?
This experience is so banal I almost didn’t write about it. But I was picking it apart during the rest of my half-hurried drive to lunch, trying to understand why I waited so long for the truck to merge before moving on.
I was frustrated, but not with the semi driver. I was the one running late. I’m the one who went out of my way to wait on someone else. I decided to keep hanging back, imaginarily tethered to an outcome I had committed to only in my own head.
Why? Was it me being kind and patient (the former of which is an important part of my identity, and the latter being something I strive for but may never truly experience)? Or was it instead the insidious need to be perceived that way?
It’s fair to say he shouldn’t have had his blinker on, but just because I saw the blinker doesn’t mean I had to keep waiting and waiting. It was my choice to keep believing “he says he’s getting over, so he’s getting over,” despite all evidence to the contrary. This is a familiar experience for people who struggle with people-pleasing or feeling responsible for other people’s emotions.
WHY THIS FELT DIFFERENT THAN KINDNESs
I don’t usually regret being kind. Even if it didn’t work out in my favor on paper. Even if someone else meets me with unkindness, unfairness, or even cruelty, I usually feel better when I respond with kindness. I love the idea of a “strong back and a soft front,” wherein you’re so sure of your core self that you can tolerate challenges or conflicts, navigating them with an open heart and without compromising on important boundaries.
But sometimes I question whether I’m truly acting from kindness or compassion. For lack of a better phrase, I’m insecure about my “soft front.”
KINDNESS OR PEOPLE-PLEASING?
I recently heard someone call themselves a “recovering people pleaser” — this is so relatable in the age of assertiveness and boundaries! I’ve learned that I can be quick to over-accommodate someone who hasn’t earned that level of trust or effort. In my freeway example, the outcome was benign. In closer interpersonal relationships, however, the consequences can sting.
Most of us like thinking of ourselves as kind people. But it pays to ask: am I being kind, or am I simply trying to be perceived as open and flexible — what Jocelyn K. Glei refers to as ‘giving up your power’? Am I truly acting from empathy, or am I actually just afraid of being seen as rigid or uncompassionate for prioritizing my own needs? People-pleasing often masquerades as flexibility or compassion, when underneath there’s fear of being seen as selfish or difficult.
I’m someone who was raised in an environment that taught me I can’t consistently rely on anyone and need to make sure my needs don’t tread on others. This engendered a mindset of making my needs smaller than they were. Dr. Harriet Lerner calls this “de-selfing.”
I wasn’t really frustrated with the semi driver for not getting over. But I’ve 100% felt frustrated, annoyed, and betrayed by those close to me when parallel situations arose in the past. I’d see a need and try to accommodate it, sometimes without being asked. This leads to a few outcomes.
The other person may:
a) not care or notice, which feels not great
b) push or ask for even more and expect my boundaries to be flimsy since I’ve already given more than I wanted to
c) resent being over-accommodated, consciously or not
But is it fair to be upset with others, when, as an adult, no one else can ‘de-self’ me? Only I can make that choice. Yes, others can exert pressure. But it’s up to me to hold firm. Maybe the question isn’t “is it fair to be upset?” as much as “is it fair to be upset with someone else while I’m doing nothing about the situation?”
TAKING SIGNALS AT FACE VALUE (AND WHEN NOT TO)
Just as the trucker was signaling that he needed to merge left but wound up exiting, people in our lives often send mixed signals. It’s confounding because conventional wisdom encourages us to accept things at face value. Eg: If someone’s blinker says they’re getting over, assume they’re getting over. If someone says they’re not mad at you, you’re usually better off believing them.
I think it’s a balancing act. Yes, believe what someone says… until their actions contradict that message.
False Flags & honest mistakes
Other people are going to send us faulty signals. This usually isn’t malicious. Sometimes people are unwilling or unable to face what they really feel. If they can’t experience their own feelings, how can they express their emotions authentically to you? Sometimes the feeling is displaced. The other person actually is mad about something, but they take it out on you because you’re there, even if they’re not mad at you. None of this is your fault or your responsibility.
Many people who grew up needing to attune closely to others develop people-pleasing and over-accommodating patterns as a form of self-protection. If you’ve survived any kind of trauma, you’re likely dialed into the emotions of others, maybe even moreso than they are! You may have had to hone that gut instinct, predicting the needs and moods of others to keep yourself safe. So if someone is telling you they’re not upset with you, but you feel deeply that they are, it causes a lot of distress and confusion. Be kind to yourself through this process! (Here are some resources that may help).
Taking responsibility for someone else’s potential emotions and needs means de-selfing for you, and it’s often pretty unhelpful for the other person, too. If you can focus on your actual needs and desires instead, you can move forward with greater clarity.
FINDING THIS HELPFUL?
If this post resonates, you may be dealing with people-pleasing or self-abandonment in your relationships. I specialize in working with high-functioning people who struggle with people-pleasing, boundaries, and self-trust. If this is you, reach out for a free 15-minute consultation for therapy services.
How to Stop Abandoning Your Needs in Relationships
In the freeway situation, I was able to recognize how I’d dropped my own needs in place of the imaginary needs of the semi driver (he didn’t even need to get over!). I finally sped up and made it to lunch more or less on time, where we cackled in the corner and talked social justice the way only social workers can.
You don’t have to stay stuck in self-abandonment. Hopefully Dr. Lerner would approve my use of the term “re-selfing”: realizing you’ve disempowered yourself to accommodate someone else’s real or perceived needs, and being able to notice that, pause, and step back into yourself.
Re-selfling might sound like telling yourself:
“I think they’re mad at me because they’re talking much less than usual. It makes me feel really insecure and nervous that I’ve done something wrong. Instead of walking on eggshells, or asking them again if they’re mad, I’m going to tell them I’m worried and ask for what I need.”
“I’ve asked my friend a couple of times if she and I are okay, and she said yes, but she’s been acting really different. She’s been ghosting on our planned hangs without really having a reason. Since I’ve already tried to check in and share how I feel, I think I’m going to take space from this friendship for a bit so I can regroup.”
“Two days ago I told my partner I’d be meeting up with my friend today. He said it’s okay, but I know he gets upset when I spend time with other people, because he almost always gives me the cold shoulder when I get home from hanging out with her. I have the urge to cancel on my friend and stay home to keep the peace, but I really want to go and I’m not doing anything wrong. I’m going to keep my plan with my friend.”
(Note: this is not direct advice on how to handle any of the situations above. These are examples of what it might look like to stay centered in your own needs instead of falling into de-selfing.)
The Difference Between Compassion and People-Pleasing
I can hear people rebutting, “But Katy, I love being kind to others! Making sacrifices for others can be a beautiful gift and make the world a better place! Should I really just think of myself?”
I hear you! It’s important to note the differences between kindness vs. de-selfing and the differences between selfishness vs. re-selfing.
In kindness, we decide from a grounded place, “I really want to do XYZ for this person. It’s important to me and it will improve something for them. Even if I’m inconvenienced or uncomfortable I still really want to do this.” In de-selfing, it’s sneaky! There’s usually a more anxious tone, and it might sound like, “If I don’t do XYZ for this person, they’ll think I’m a bad person/inflexible/selfish.” These are really different motivators of behavior!
Why Honoring Your Needs Strengthens Relationships
In selfishness, we disregard the other person’s needs and disrespect our own needs for authentic connection. What I mean is, when we have a repeated pattern of selfish behavior, we dismiss our own universal need for reciprocal meaningful relationships.
There are so many valid reasons people wind up in a cycle of selfishness, and it’s usually not a conscious decision. Often it’s a form of self-protection. Re-Selfing, in contrast to selfishness, prioritizes the relationship because you are being honest about what you need. This nurtures authentic relationships. It’s not about disregarding the other person’s needs. Rather it’s about expressing your own needs as well and choosing how to maintain self-respect in the process.
And if you’re reading between the lines here, yes, de-selfing is the foundation for inauthentic relationships. Meaning if you start to take accountability for your needs and be more honest with others who are used to you prioritizing their needs, those people may bounce! We all get to decide whether our inauthentic relationships are worth the sacrifice of maintaining the status quo.
WHEN YOU’RE READY TO STOP WAITING ON THE BLINKER
Next time someone turns on their blinker and doesn’t get over, I hope you think of this post! I also hope you don’t wait unnecessarily long before taking care of what you need.
Untangling tricky relationship patterns and figuring out how to communicate authentically with others is some of my favorite work to help clients navigate. That’s why I specialize in working with high-functioning people who struggle with people-pleasing, boundaries in relationships, and self-trust. If you want to learn more, let’s schedule a free 15-minute consultation. I’d love the chance to support you in your growth.
