Sewing Seeds of Self-Mistrust: Beliefs that Keep Us Stuck

image via Piksart

This post is part two of a three-part series on self-trust. Find part one on understanding the roots of self-mistrust here. Stay tuned for part three: tangible steps toward building greater self-trust!

In part one of this series, we dove into the ways mistrust in others often signals mistrust of ourselves. We unearthed the difference between healthy mistrust of others versus unhealthy chronic self-doubt. We acknowledged how being hurt, at least a little, is the cost of entry into any relationship, and that often harmful systems play a role in the development of mistrust. Lastly, we learned how to notice signs of mistrust in ourselves through observing our thoughts, emotions, physical sensations, behaviors, and urges.

In part two, we focus on common core beliefs about your ability to tolerate closeness with others and yourself.

sewing seeds of mistrust—Examining Common beliefs

Deep down, there are usually beliefs about ourselves, others, and the world causing mistrust to show up in the ways we outlined in part one. Let’s look at common recurring beliefs, how they keep us stuck, and new ways to engage with them.

FIRST THINGS FIRST
Let me be super clear: there is nothing wrong with you if you resonate with any of the beliefs I’m about to share. Remember — the only reason I can even compile a list like this is because these thoughts come up so often. Many people share these struggles. Noticing these beliefs and the ways they impact your life is a great way to create awareness so you can build deeper trust in yourself and others.

Common Core Beliefs

“Everyone thinks I’m too much.”

Oooh this thought is such a doozy. It’s easy to hear the sense of shame. While this seems to be about others’ perceptions, it’s hinting at the idea that you might believe you’re too much. Others usually teach you to believe you’re too much by implying (or blatantly stating) that you should somehow be less — less feeling, less expressive, less outspoken, less needy. But when you try to tamp that down, it backfires, so why bother?

If this is you, you not alone! This may be one of the most common refrains in therapy.

It’s helpful to narrow in on this thought by asking yourself: Okay, so what if I am too much? What would happen if everyone really believes that?

Often it boils down to the fear that, “If I’m too much, no one will love me,” or some version of this worry (e.g.: “No one will want to be in my life,” “People will get close, but they wont’ stay,” “I’ll be unlovable”…etc.).

If you’re carrying this heavy belief, no wonder it’s hard to get close to others and to tolerate closeness with your own emotions! And believe me when I say no one wants to feel this way about themselves. Beliefs like this develop in response to other relationships or events, usually defining or repetitive ones.

It’s clear how this thought reflects an insidious lack of trust in yourself. The implied message is: It’s not their fault I’m too much, it’s mine. If I could just stop being too much, I could trust that people would stay.

“No one understands me.”

Another common belief that keeps you painfully separate from others is that, even if you’re willing to open up, they won’t understand you. Being misunderstood is such a painful human experience, and can lead us to clam up. While this thought focuses on others’ ability to accept you, it hints at deeper fears about yourself: I’m confusing. Something is wrong with me. I’m broken. It’s too hard for others to be close with me.

If you grew up in an invalidating environment, this makes perfect sense. An invalidating environment is one in which important people in your life did not understand, perhaps dismissed, or even denied or belittled your experience when you expressed yourself. One way to cope with an invalidating environment is to protect yourself from repeated harm by telling yourself, “No one will believe me, listen to me, or understand me.” This truth feels bone-deep. If you relate, help resource that sheds light on this dynamic is the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents.

The trouble comes when you have the chance to get close to someone who may actually be able to understand you. A friend, partner, or therapist who actually wants to hear your side and believes you 100%. That can feel so scary—even wrong—when it goes against the grain of what experience taught you. This leads to distancing, hiding, and obscuring yourself, all of which reinforce the belief that no one understands you.

A major piece at play here is a lack of confidence in your ability to choose who’s safe to open up to. Certainly not everyone! If you notice a pattern of choosing partners and friends who prove untrustworthy, it’s worth learning more about attachment styles (try Polysecure by Jessica Fern or Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel S. F. Heller).

Another tricky aspect is managing the pace of opening up. Following trauma, it’s hard to enter a new relationship at a neutral level of trust (neither over- nor under-trusting the other person). If you struggle with trusting others, it will take trial and error to learn how to open up slowly and wisely with someone new, picking up on cues that tell you how trustworthy they are (or aren’t).

Experiment with not assuming either which way, and trying to start from true neutral, then opening up slowly. Remember: there is no perfect pace!

“If I say that they won’t listen! They’ll just argue and invalidate me.”

This one is a bit more specific, yet I hear it again and again. Some people who struggle with trust aren’t lonely. You can have many relationships in your life, but they don’t feel connected or deep enough for you to be your honest self. This creates a lot of friction in those relationships, and also generalizes to relationships that haven’t even happened yet (ex: if my own mother can’t understand me, a new friend cretainly won’t!).

It’s true. Those closest to us have a lot more opportunities to let us down (and lift us up, incidentally!) thanks to sheer proximity. And yet this belief rests on several premises having so much more to do with trusting yourself than others:

• I can’t express myself well enough.
  Can sound like: I’ll start crying. I’ll say it wrong. I don’t know how to start. I’ll get overwhelmed. I have to do it perfectly.

• If they don’t understand me completely, I have failed.
  Can sound like: If they misunderstand me even a little, I won’t know how to clarify. I can’t tolerate feeling misunderstood again, it hurts too much.

• I can’t handle it if they don’t agree or communicate well in return.
  Can sound like: I won’t be able to make myself heard if the conversation is derailed. If this goes poorly, I don’t have the skills to repair things. If they won’t play ball, it’s over.

• I don’t really need to talk about this anyway, I’m making a big deal out of nothing. This is part of me being “too much.”
  Can sound like: Questioning your own needs and the validity of your own emotions. My needs aren’t real, don’t matter, and are unreasonable. I should just keep my mouth shut.

These barriers to deeper communication often boil down to not knowing what you need from a conversation. In addition, sometimes you might go into a conversation with a goal you have no control over. For example, you may go into a conversation seeking to be understood, but you have no control over whether someone else understands you. An alternate goal might be to express how you feel because it’s important to you that they hear how their behavior impacts you. One of these is in your locus of control, and the other is not. You’ll find more success if you have a specific goal in mind to help guide your conversation and keep you on track. You can also learn skills for healthy communication to bolster your confidence to handle tough conversations when things get derailed.

“If they cared, they’d already be doing XYZ. I shouldn’t have to ask.”

So often clients resist the idea of sharing a request or need with a loved one. They tell me that having to directly express a need somehow makes it less meaningful when that need is met. Maybe you feel similarly — that asking for what you need pressures the other person to do something they don’t really want to do (or else they’d be doing it already).

Sometimes your needs feel so obvious to you, and it’s confusing that someone who really cares wouldn’t automatically understand and act accordingly. Maybe you’ve even directly asked for what you need in the past, and they’re still not doing it. This leaves you feeling even more vulnerable and unimportant.

This thought reflects many of the fears in the bullet list above. It indicates a sense of helplessness or resignation—“I can’t get them to do what I need, so why ask at all?” If you struggled to get your needs met in your first family, this will feel especially charged (a great resource for navigating this is The Dance of Anger).

My advice here won’t work perfectly every time, but I encourage you to experiment with expressing your needs. Practice asking for something once a day or once a week—even something very small—and see what happens. Practice with different people. My bet is a few things will begin to happen. You will likely notice that some people are able, willing, and even pleased to honor your requests. This will hopefully build some confidence and desensitize the ingrained fear around asking for what you need. If you’re looking for a direct tool for how strongly to ask for what you need, try the dime game from DBT.

“My feelings aren’t valid.”

The self-mistrust is clearer on this thought, and it’s at the root of many others above. If you don’t believe your own needs, feelings, and thoughts are valid, it will be really hard to express and tend to them. This leaves others stymied in their attempts to connect with you.

You’ve received so many messages from the world about how you’re supposed to feel and whether those feelings are “correct.” Hear me out: if you’re feeling it, it’s correct. That doesn’t mean the intensity or behavior that goes with the emotion is always helpful, or that the thought behind your emotion is 100% true, but they’re always informative. You just have to be willing to notice them.

Telling yourself not to feel an emotion is similar to telling yourself not to be hungry or thirsty. It’s much more helpful—and better for self-trust—to recognize and allow the feeling, then check in with yourself on what you want to do about it. Bonus: sometimes recognizing and allowing the feeling is all you need!

“I can’t trust men/doctors/the government/anyone in authority positions. If I am in XYZ situation, I will be harmed.”

The refrain above is incredibly common when it comes to trauma and abuse, or even regular-degular systemic oppression (see: racism, difficulty accessing needed care, sexism…etc). Thoughts like these are often rooted in both personal and societal history.

Alongside lived experience within harmful systems, these thoughts reflect a lack of self-trust to handle unfair systems and situations that you are bound to encounter. These thoughts convey the fear that you can’t keep yourself safe in situations involving certain populations and institutions. And let me be so, so clear: sometimes it’s true! Some people, situations, and institutions will lead to harm… and you can still work to protect yourself.

If the above thoughts are keeping you from securing healthcare, receiving government assistance, accessing safety, or completing your taxes, avoidance is getting in the way. Avoidance can be an amazing coping skill when it actually keeps you safe, but it has limitations. Unfortunately, we all have to interact with unfair, unhelpful, and even harmful systems to survive.

For example, maybe you need specialized medical care and the only provider of that care in your area may act in a belittling manner, or is of a gender you try to avoid due to past trauma. Being able to tackle situations like these can provide more options and greater safety in the long run. Sometimes it’s about figuring out how to engage with a harmful system in the least harmful way possible (ex: bringing a friend, documenting everything that happens, grounding before and after…etc.).

Please refer back to Part 1 for more information on viewing trauma and self-trust through a systemic lens. There’s so much to unpack here!

Building Better Self-Trust

Did you relate to any of the thoughts listed above? Or do you have thoughts around trust that I didn’t tackle? If so I’d love to hear them. I’m certain you’re not the only one, and sharing helps others know they’re not alone.

If you’re thinking, “Okay, I know what my problem areas are—now what?” I’ve got you. Stay tuned for part three, where we’ll dive into tangible skills you can practice to build better self-trust.